Poison

 

Rule number one men- stop looking at porn now.  Not like when you get married, but now.  That shit is so not real and will forever haunt you and your wife. This isn’t like a little hick-up you just fix quickly.  This isn’t some car accident where you can just call the best towing company in the area to take you back home and fix everything up. This is poison; it slowly takes more and more away from your life.  Here’s a little story…

Do you like my heading?  Well, I don’t.  I hate this word. I hate it exists.  But just because I hate it, does not mean I shouldn’t face the reality of the impact it has on my – and your- life.  I can hear all the gasping, and “oh no she isn’t” as you read this, but yes- yes I am going to write my very first blog about Porn.  I would like to say it again, and perhaps you can say it with me to loosen up a bit- P-O-R-N, PORN.  I know, it’s not a very popular word but what the problem is, is it’s a very popular form of entertainment, and more sadly- sin.   But I don’t want to focus JUST on Porn; rather I would like to concentrate, wives, on our reaction to the discovery of our husbands using that form, if entertainment.
I don’t know anyone that isn’t affected by Porn.  Porn is poison- it can destroy people, families, and societies.  I am sure some of you are thinking “No, not me. I don’t struggle with it, and my husband would never do that.” Or perhaps you are thinking, “My husband use to fight, but he’s fixed it and doing better now.”  I hate to burst your bubble, but to those that are wrongly assuming they are immune to porn and its effect are wrong.  Every man, every,  I know struggles with porn- if you don’t believe me do a search on your computers history.  If you think your husband has “fixed it,” ask him. Check up on him and continually pray for him.

I recently walked in on my husband looking up Porn.  This, sadly, was expected.  I wish one of these days I could walk in on him steam cleaning my carpets lol!!!  Someday, yes? (Honestly, I think husbands cleaning carpets is probably the sexiest thing ever.  I mean…maybe I need to get out more, but really.  Ok I am digressing). Porn for my husband has been a struggle since he was in middle school. When we got engaged, he was very open and confessed to me his struggle.  He told me he deleted it all and was doing good. I believed him and carried on like sin wasn’t something to fear.  Then, a little over a year into our marriage, eight days after our son was born, and one week before he was set to deploy I discovered he had not only been lying to me and looking at porn but lying for over a year and even blaming things on our friends.  My world came crashing down, and my response was what you would expect.  I flew off the handle, let him have it, and made his life a nightmare.  I cried all day, every day.  I wouldn’t touch him.  I threatened him.  I also bought the book “Every man’s battle” and we, together and in one week, read through that book, prayed, cried, and tried to save our marriage.  When my husband deployed, I can’t say things were good.  I wasn’t sure where our wedding stood, nor was I sure of where my husband’s spiritual well-being was…or mine.  There I was, all alone with a newborn baby and I had been let down by my hero- my husband.  My foundation was quicksand…and I was sinking.
Wives- if you hear one thing hear this- the way I reacted, the way a lot of you react when we find our husbands looking at porn- is not ok! It is not about you! It’s not only NOT ok; but it’s also ultimately destructive to our marriages.
Since I recently discovered my husband had fallen into the trap of sin again- I noticed one big difference. The difference wasn’t in him (although I wished it were) it was in me.  God is brilliant and intentional…so having my husband deploy for a year after my foundation was shattered forced me to seek God- and use Him to rebuild our life. I didn’t have my husband, I didn’t have a companion- but I needed them.  While my husband was gone, I focused microscopic on him.  Don’t get me wrong- I sent him emails, packages, and we talked every day.  But I set my eyes on someone that will never let me down; I dove right into the promise that will last.  I built, brick by brick the foundation for my life alongside my Savior.  So this time, when my husband confessed to being looking at Porn, I realized I wasn’t heartbroken.  Nothing in me changed.  I didn’t say anything at first- it just didn’t feel right not to feel shattered.  I even tried to be mad, and heartbroken. But the compassion for my husband overtook it all.  Christ tells us to love others as ourselves and to love God above all.  How in the world could it be loving of me towards God and my husband if I fly off the wall and USE my husband’s sin to in fact sin, myself!?  Wives- it’s not ok to make your husband’s sin, about you!  What’s going on here is nothing new- we are ALL sinners in need of a savior.  There is NOTHING new under the sun.  I repeat- there is NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN.  This has happened before; it will happen again.  Porn is a sin.  Wives, when you turn it around and give into your feelings that can so easily deceive us, you are giving into sin just the same way your husband is.
I’m not trying to poo pay porn or say it’s ok- it’s not.  I hear all the time how porn causes so much divorce, and families are shattered by this.  Although I agree, I can’t help but wonder if our (our being wives) reaction to the discovery of nothing new, to the discovery of our husband’s sin could do just as much damage as looking at porn?  I don’t know where I stand on that one yet- but what I do know is we, wives, need to buck up.  We are not helpless; we are not damsels in distress.  We have the hope and strength of our heavenly Father!  We wives, when we look at our friend’s husband and how we wish our husband would buy us flowers like another man are doing the same thing…we are giving into envy…we are giving into sin! Matthew 7:5 sums it up nicely “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Wives- we are all on the same page here, sinners in need of a savior. Stop using your husband’s sin to belittle him, to kick him while he is down, gossip about him, and please stop using it to make yourself look perfect.  This kind of attitude is far more destructive, in my opinion, then porn.  I once heard someone say that our societies view of “romance” is like female porn.  You know, wanting picnics and butterflies- all the romantic movies where we look at our snoring, drooling husbands and immediately become bitter because he doesn’t buy us a Lexus for Christmas every year (with a perfect red bow on it too).
What these realizations left me with was- how are we suppose to react when we face the reality of our husbands sins?  Although I don’t at all know everything, I do know how I reacted the first time did no good. It harmed me, and my husband.  It made him afraid, to be honest with me.  When we come to our Father with the confessions of our sin, he takes it, cleanses us, and forgives us. God restores us. God loves us. God weeps for us.  I am reminded of Jesus, and how he rarely spent time with “perfect” people.  Jesus spent time with prostitutes, liars, murderers, and so on and so on.  If the Savior of the world can love a murderer or a prostitute- surely I can love my husband.  As I grow closer to God, I take my husband off the pestle I had him on and see him as, still, the love of my life but also a wretched sinner in need of a savior- just like me.  I sin miserably on a daily basis, and I love my husband.  When I see him struggling with sin, it breaks my heart.  When I see him trying to fix it on his own- without the help of our Savior- I lovingly nudge him to Christ and remind him of the love our Savior, and I, have for him. I don’t want to enable it- porn is wrong- so we need to set up accountability, we need to be praying for our husbands, and loving them and checking in on them- sometimes even ask for no reason, at a time and place he can be honest if need be.   I hope- next time this happens, I can remember this and love my husband, and forgive.  I hope the two of us can battle this together with Christ as our battle gear and protector- instead of selfishly using my husband’s sin as the reason to sin. No more bouncing back and forth.

“And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another just as God has forgiven you in the Messiah.”  Ephesians 4:32