WIlderness

10252150_10153006043759227_6422907165824741598_n

I was reading an old journal the other day- before online blogging was a thing.  I found this one from when my husband was in school.  I wanted to share it.

’12 Moses said to the Lord, “See, you say to me, ‘Bring up this person,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name, and you have also found favor in my sight.’ Now, therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you to find favor in your sight. Consider too that this nation is your people.” And he said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” 15 And he said to him, ‘If your presence does not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? MLS it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?”
And the Lord said to Moses, “This very thing that you have spoken I will do, for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name.” Moses said, “Please show me your glory.” And he said, ‘I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name ‘The Lord.’ And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. (Exodus 3:12-19)

This passage has been brought to my attention on numerous occasions the past few weeks. As well as any verse about trials and tribulations. And any verse about being prepared. As much as I love the Word of God, this theme had me unsettled. No God, I don’t want a trial. I don’t want tribulation, no..donot prepare me for trial, prepare me for blessings!! Shamefully, this is what I thought. No more God, no more!! Enough!! I screamed this in my head, as I leaned over to Levi and told him to prepare for a trial, because we were going to have one- or more. He looked at me concerned, but nodded his head and just said, ‘ok’ as though God had been preparing his heart in the same way. We both took a deep inhale and turned our focus back on the sermon at church.
What would this trial be? How many? How long? Would there even be a trial? Maybe I’m just imagining this and need to have more faith, more hope that everything will be picnics and butterflies. Yes, that sounds nice.
James 1:12 reads:
‘Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.’
1 Peter 5:10:
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Levi is currently taking the toughest courses yet for his 4 (ahem 6) year degree. During this time, we’ve had serious health scares considering our oldest son, we had the shock of our life and got pregnant, both Ayden and I had Influenza A, my pregnancy had complications and left me in the hospital for two weeks on and off, I had two surgeries, every virus is known to man kind, had a baby, bought a house, repaired the car at the towing and auto service place, moved, and lived your typical life with kids. All during school for Levi. During all o that, my wonderful husband took care of us. He stayed up days at a time, worked full time, and somehow did his homework. He stepped it up, for me. He got sick and pretended he wasn’t, for me. Now, is my turn. 1 Peter 4:12 ‘Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange was happening to you.’

As my husband’s helper, best friend, and Mom to his children he needs me. He needs me now more than ever. I can’t be sick. I can’t need him. I have to rely solely on Christ. I know we are supposed to do that all the time, but I admit I don’t. I rely on my husband, then Christ. This brings me to the passage in Exodus. Moses trusted God and relied solely on Him. 40 years in the wilderness Moses waited!! 40 years! Moses had no idea how God would bring them out, yet he was steadfast. He prayed regularly.
The other day, I brought this passage to a friend who seemed to need it and wouldn’t you know…she pointed out to me what I never noticed- Moses doubted God. Not in an unfaithful way, but in a true, sincere way. When my dear friend pointed that out, I finally exhaled from that big inhale at church. Moses doubted. Moses didn’t understand. An entire nation of people was looking to Moses and Moses didn’t know what to tell them. But he prayed. Moses prayed. Moses met with God. Moses was steadfast. Moses heard the call, never fully understanding and obeyed God.
I am so doubtful. And so weak. But we know this is the path God wants us on, so we will be steadfast. I don’t know why. I don’t see how. I want so bad for Levi to quit school. I miss him. I miss my companion, my best friend. I miss movie nights; I miss being taken care of only the way Levi could when I am sick. I’m scared. I’m dreading. I’m doubtful.
But I’m going to pray. I’m going to step it up by Gods strength alone. With God by my side, I’m going to serve my husband in a way he never has been served (sad, I know lol). I know this isn’t the first or last of our trials but right now- this my wondering, this is my wilderness.